I feel like I have been writing this story over and over in my head, yet I still can't seem to find words to explain my emotions. So, so many emotions.
We started this journey almost three years ago. We figured it would take some time, but after a year we were concerned. We started with the basics with my OBGYN--a few rounds of Clomid with no luck, moved it up to Femara, still no luck. We then decided to meet with a different infertility doctor. I had a bad feeling about him from the beginning, but still sat through the meeting as he bragged about where he went to school and the people he's helped. He then proceeded to say the IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) was our absolute only option. That was just after seeing our tests from our previous doctor. He prescribed me some more Femara, and I left feeling so discouraged. I thought it was the worst day, until it was followed by many more 'worst days'.
After hearing the news, we decided to give it a break and try on our own for a while. Without all the drugs, pressure, hormones, everything. But after more negative pregnancy tests, we decided to go to a different doctor. We loved him. We felt so optimistic, excited, and happy. For once, happy news. He was positive that an IUI (intrauterine insemination) would work for us. So we started the process. Days 3-7 of my cycle I am on Letrozol, which makes my hormones literally crazy. Day 11 I have an ultrasound to see if I have any mature follicles. Day 12, I give myself a trigger shot to make myself ovulate. Day 14 we go in and do the insemination. Then we wait the longest two weeks of our lives. We test negative. Then we repeat the cycle. Then, after the third and last try, we find out it didn't work again. Then that was the worst day. And then we are both devastated. Heartbroken.
Countless. The number of negative pregnancy tests we've gotten, the amount of time I have spent crying, the number of times I have been poked and prodded to oblivion, and the number of days we have spent trying to be positive.
There are days where I feel bitter and mad (which I absolutely hate) and then there are days where I feel optimistic and happy (which I absolutely love) and unfortunately it has been this roller coaster of emotions for quite some time now. A part of me hates complaining because I know many have had to struggle for longer than we have, but at the same time don't feel bad at all because heroine addicts are getting pregnant "accidentally".
The truth is, I just wish it wasn't SO DAMN HARD. I never thought this would be our lives. I never thought we would have this type of struggle. But we are so lucky to have each other. Taylor has been my rock and has managed to stay so strong through it all. Me on the other hand? I'm a freaking mess. It is hard to share something so personal, but writing about it just feels good for my soul. This journey has been the hardest thing ever, but I truly believe you can't appreciate the good without suffering the bad. And one day we will have all that 'good', and the 'bad' would have been so worth it.