THE BEST DAY EVER

7.14.2017

[Sorry for the pic overload but they are just too good!]
I think we will always remember May 13, 2017 as one of the best days of our lives. After three years of diligently trying, it finally happened for us. We are pregnant. And I don’t think I will ever get sick of saying that. By far one of my most favorite phrases ever.


I haven’t written in so long, because I feel like, for the longest time, I was just walking around with this weight on me. This sadness. This depression. It lingered around for quite a while, and it was hard for me to write about. It was hard for me to sit there and put my emotions into words, because there weren’t any words left to describe what I had been feeling for so long. It was almost like there was a darkness that was hovering over me, over our marriage, over both of us. We knew we were missing something. There really was no way of comforting one another, because the truth was, we didn’t know when it was going to happen for us. It’s so hard when there is so much unknown.

Then on Saturday, May 13th, the day before Mother’s Day, it all fell together. I took a few tests, and sent pictures to my mom thinking they were negative because that second line was so faint. She called me immediately to tell me that it really is positive! There was a definite line there, and it was positive. It didn’t happen exactly how I pictured in my head, but the fact that my mom was the one to tell me I was pregnant was probably the best way it could have happened. The moment she told me, “babe, you’re pregnant!” was a moment that I will never forget. I instantly started bawling and just kept asking, “I’m pregnant?!” and “Are you serious?” and “This can’t be happening! How is this happening?!” because I literally could not believe it was actually happening. I was home alone while Taylor was out washing his truck, so I had a couple minutes to compose myself and think about how I was going to tell Taylor. All these years, I thought I would tell him in this cute, romantic way, but then when it actually came down to it, I had no idea. He finally got home and sat in his truck for what felt like a million years just cleaning the inside of his truck, until I decided to just go out there because I couldn’t contain myself. I knock on his window, he opens the door, and I say, “Guess what?... I’m pregnant!” And then immediately again, we are both in tears just hugging each other in the driveway for a good 10 minutes. We were both in shock. We couldn’t believe this was happening! We just kept saying, “Holy crap. This is really happening.” And it is. It’s happening!

I took about 5 more tests after that, ya know, just to be sure. And sure enough, they all kept coming back positive, and even more clear each time. It still didn’t feel real. I feel like I'm living a real life fairy tale. We are finally getting our happy ending. A baby!! I am over 13 weeks now, and have been feeling so great. The sciatica pains are pretty strong, and I just started getting some round ligament pain, (sharp pains in my belly) but really that has been the worst of it. Pregnancy is so magical, and I'm still amazed everyday that I am growing a human being in my belly. I don't want to say that I love being pregnant more than other pregnant women, but when you have wanted and longed for something so bad for so long, I really believe there is just a stronger appreciation there. We have waited for this day for years and we just feel so, so lucky that this little BOY has already blessed our lives so much. I feel such a connection with him already. We are just the happiest. 


Thank you all so much for all the love you've already shown to us! We are lucky to be surrounded by the best people who have been there for us through our hardest times, and now through our best. We can't wait (actually, we can because I love being pregnant!) to meet our little boy! It feels so good to say that!! 

WHY MOTHER'S DAY IS SO HARD FOR WOMEN STRUGGLING WITH INFERTILITY

5.08.2017

A year ago on today on Mother's Day, I finally came out and announced to the world about our infertility problems. We had been struggling for a couple years before we made it public, because it's something that didn't feel right to talk about with everyone yet. We weren't ready. Announcing it wasn't easy, but what came after really surprised me. So many amazing women reached out to me--many of them who had been secretly struggling as well. I've created this bond with these women and I love that I have people I can go to who know exactly what we're going through. There's something to be said about having a little support group to give you a little push when times are extra rough. Mother's Day is hard for me. And here's why:



I want what you have.
It's as simple as that one honest, brutal, unfair statement. I'm upset. Not at anyone. Not at myself, not at God, not at my doctor (who is basically God), not at my husband, not at the teenage girls getting pregnant all over the world. I'm just sad and upset that it's not happening for us. To all you mamas out there, just letting you know that I'm low-key jealous of you. That's not to say that I'm not beyond happy for you and think you're an amazing mom, but I'm jealous. It's hard when you've been wanting something so much for years, and it's still not happening. I want that pregnancy. I want those bonding moments. I want that baby. Okay, not yours particularly, but you know what I mean. ;)

It's hard for me to feel like there's not a huge part of me missing, because there is. Some days I feel the void more than others, but this whole month has felt.. just weird. It should be me. Why isn't it me? But during these times I just have to remember to trust the universe. Trust in the process. These times are so tough, but come Mother's Day next year, I will be celebrated. As a mother. I just have to keep telling myself that, right? ;)

Happy Mother's Day to all you gorgeous, amazing mothers out there. You're the real MVPs.


ORANGE YOU GLAD IT'S FRIDAY?

4.14.2017

Photography by Kelsie Emm Photography

But for real though, Friday. You beautiful thing, you. I'm so excited for this weekend! I have been working my butt off all week to get our house ready to host my family over for Easter and it's finally all coming together. I'm that crazy kind of person that has to make sure everything about my house is absolutely perfect when people come over. THERE MUST BE NO SIGNS OF LIVING. Haha. No, but seriously. I'm actually serious. Hope you all have a great Easter weekend! 


BLACK & WHITE PLAID + INFERTILITY UPDATES

4.13.2017

Photography by Kelsie Emm Photography

[Don't even mind the fact that these pictures are from like, December?! I completely didn't realize I never posted this outfit. So, sorry bout it.]

"Infertility" was never a word used in my vocabulary before the age of 22, hell probably even 23. I got off birth control three years ago and we have obviously been struggling ever since. The funny thing is, for the longest time, we never considered ourselves to be "infertile" or "struggling to get pregnant", we just thought it was normal that it was taking a while. I had been on birth control for years, so I was sure my body was just balancing out and that it would take some time. If you read my first blog post about our struggles, you probably already know that after about a year we decided to go to an infertility doctor. We were still a little in denial that we had "issues". After a few failed rounds of clomid and lots and lots of tears, it hit me. We really do have issues. That felt like the breaking point for me. 

Lately, things have kind of been on hold while Taylor is on clomid. It's kind of a little funny (you know, trying to find the humor in all of this!) that we started this whole thing with me being on clomid, and now roles have reversed and Taylor is on it! I'm hoping we can end this whole thing with clomid, too. We still have a couple more weeks to wait and see if the clomid is working for Taylor, and then we can finally figure out if we are able to do another IUI (intrauterine insemenation) or if we have to move on to IVF (in vitro fertilization) or adoption. 

I truly never thought this would be my life--spending all of our savings on infertility treatments, researching adoption/IVF and deciding what the freak to do, putting my body through hell--it's really all way above my maturity level. ;) But such is life. Here we are, just trying to do this thang.